In any relationship, it is important how we approach our negative inner voices. Like sirens, they lure us into depths where everything is the other person’s fault. We are tossed around by the waves of our projections; however, like Odysseus, we may be saved by hearing and seeing clearly.
This requires working hard on understanding ourselves, so that instead of blaming the other person, we slowly discover ourselves and the shadows cast by our hidden parts. We cannot fully map the landscape of our unconscious, but we can explore more and more of its regions. In the long run, we can identify our attachment patterns. Put another way, we can understand what is really happening inside us, and therefore what is happening to us. If we encounter intense emotions in the relationship (for example aggression, fear, or anxiety), it is very likely that these are rooted in our early experiences, our projection sources. It signifies an important shift in our perspective when we stop pointing a finger at the other person, and start looking for the cause of our negative emotions within ourselves. And if we also examine our other relationships, we will realize that our traumas are reflected in those as well.
If we start to look at ourselves, to relive and understand our emotions, we have taken the first steps toward recovery. If we acknowledge our partner’s otherness, we may have a chance to accept and embrace them along with the differences between us—instead of assigning blame. We can gradually learn to do so, and at the same time we can more and more frequently pull back the curtain of our projections. We examine our inner dissatisfaction again and again. This learning process is a pilgrimage that is easier to make if we embark on it with our partner. If we mutually learn about ourselves and the other person in the relationship. This type of self-reflection, the ability to analyze ourselves and discover the source of our thoughts, emotions and behavior, can be improved. During the course of various therapeutic options and the journey to self-awareness, the therapist or the coach often enters into a contract with our self-reflective part. They try to carve out and expand a space for it.
I will probably ruffle some feathers, but I will give my opinion: We women are generally better tour guides. We can facilitate the initiation because we are more in touch with our feelings, and we have a better understanding of ourselves and our needs. It seems we are better at connecting to our deeper parts, our deeper self (or divine self, as Jung called it).[1]
As projections fade and idealization lessens, our love transforms, and we get a chance to see the other person in a more realistic light. Whether we can open up to them mostly depends on our relationship with ourselves. The understanding, acceptance, and realization of our deeper layers provides an opportunity to discover the path to love and to renewed closeness through affectionate attention, support, and care. And as we heal our partner, we will also heal ourselves. By setting out on this internal pilgrimage, we may create in our relationship a kind of earthly Paradise. Even if we cannot stay there forever, we create a chance to return to it again and again.
Embark on this path, dear reader, and explore the secret garden—the mostly unconscious realms of your relationship, which you may transform into a Paradise with the help of consciousness.
Naturally, the question arises: Can I do this on my own? Can I take care of the Garden without the other person so that it flourishes and bears fruit?
There are various scenarios. One of the most common ones is that we change, and we look at the garden and our partner differently, thus creating an opportunity for them to also look at us in a different way. Women seem to initiate this change more easily. Women appear to see and understand their own and the other person’s emotions and needs more clearly.
(I apologize to my male readers—of course, I could also list a few positive examples involving men, and the men reading these lines most likely belong to this group.)
Having weathered a storm that separates us from our partner, it is often us women who find the courage to initiate: to accept our vulnerability and reach out to the other person.
Many times, we put an end to games by refusing to take part, taking off our masks, and going in the nude (as it were).
Having undergone the astonishing experience of love, we might encounter another Paradise. Love is something that happens to us. It falls into our lap, as though by chance. We suddenly stumble into it. We feel that we have no control over whether, when, or how it happens. We can, however, control how we experience the miracle it creates: the Garden of our relationship. It is up to us how we shape it. It is our responsibility—and also our partner’s—whether we nurture it or poison it day by day. Even if there are many obstacles to overcome, even if the traps and dark swamps from our previous experiences still lie ahead of us.
Each relationship is a chance to transform these areas, to make them thrive and be filled with light. We can do this for our own sake, or, by breaking transgenerational negative spirals, even for our children.
We tend to forget that this requires us to work on the Garden day after day. Sometimes we’ll do internal work on ourselves. At other times we will extend a hand to our partner and use the magic of our words.
I would like to provide a useful guide for nurturing this Garden. I’ll give you tools that will help you to transform the dark areas, recognize and avoid the traps, and perform genuine acts of love.
Love is actually a gate. An opportunity to step inside the Garden. The Love Garden, where we can have a new experience of togetherness and unity: intimacy. This is where our most important needs are met, where we give and receive love, where we are accepted and embraced, and where we also accept and embrace the other person.
Is there such a Garden? It depends on us.
[1] Jung, cited work
